How Well Do You Know Me Questions for Friends and Couples

  Saturday, May 22, 2021
Contributed by Emily Ruiz, MA

We like to think we know our best friends and lovers, but how well do we actually know them? Typically, there is not a topic of discussion that begins with questions like "If you could choose one of my personality traits to be universal among everyone, what trait would that be?" You talk about the mundane and sometimes surface-level conversation reserving the "how well do you know me" questions for courting or beginning a friendship. 

Questions that get to the root of a person are sometimes hard to ask. It is easier to ask what they had for lunch than asking, "what do you think was your biggest heartache"? The deeper questions help you discover why you fell in love or in friendship with that person. It is also a reflective exercise that you can get to know yourself as well. It is much easier to understand what kind of person you want to hang out with if you know who you are. 

Additionally, to up the stakes, we recommend creating a game out of these questions. You can play it similarly to the Newly Wed Game, where you each journal what you think the other person's response would be. Whoever is the most correct wins the grand prize of bragging rights.

People can show their love in different ways, and with this game of being able to have time to journal and write your answers for your love, you can be mindful of all the things you love about that person, and your partner can feel the same sensation. 

So, if they don't know me, does it mean they don't love me? 

The awkward moment, you know your partner's answers, and they don't know yours or vice versa. Have no fear; that doesn't mean one loves more or less than the other; it just means that there could have been a passive understanding. Your partner knows what makes you, well, you, but asking these in-depth questions are intended to be challenging and to build a deeper level of intimacy. 

Additionally, life happens. It doesn't mean that your partner doesn't care, but they may have genuinely forgotten. Anxiety and memory loss have a recognizable link, and with everything going around in the world, it is no wonder that mental illness has increased. Read our blog, Can Anxiety Cause Memory Loss? To learn more.

Our exercise is not to create a rift between you but to share information, and the questions we ask are not something that is shared on a day-to-day basis. It is to shake up the mundane question of "how was your day" and to create a deeper level of understanding between you and your partner or friend. The questions asked can be universal, like asking your family members. You may not know your Dad grew up in Honolulu or your Mom was a horseback rider. 

The questions are meant to deepen the love and to practice mindfulness of celebrating the present with the person you are asking the questions to.

How well do you know me-questions

  1. What is my middle name?
  2. What day is my birthday and bonus points, if you know my zodiac sign. 
  3. When do I feel like I look my best? 
  4. What could I eat 24/7? 
  5. If I could lose one of my five senses, what would I prefer to lose?
  6. What is one of my turn-offs? 
  7. What's my favorite movie?
  8. Which parental figure or guardian am I most like? 
  9. How did you know you wanted to be with me? 
  10. What scares me the most? 
  11. What is a place I would like to go that is on my bucket list? 
  12. What is my most significant accomplishment?
  13. What is my favorite animal?
  14. What animal am I the most like? 
  15. How do you describe me to others? 
  16. What makes me unique? 
  17. Where did I grow up?
  18. What is my favorite book or tv show? 
  19. If I could have any career, I would be a _____
  20. What brings me the most joy? 
  21. Do I want kids? 
  22. What is my favorite me-time activity? 
  23. If I could meet anyone, who would it be? 
  24. What is one trait I would like to change about myself?
  25. What's my favorite quote? 
  26. What is my favorite season, and why?
  27. Would I prefer having wings or gills?
  28. Am I spiritual or religious? 
  29. What sports do I play or played in the past?
  30. How do I feel the most loved by you? 

When you ask these questions, make sure there are no outside factors that could distract you or your partner. Asking these questions and comparing notes in your journal is an intimate time. You want to be completely connected with your partner as you think about the questions being asked and use the questions as conversation starters for more extensive conversations that help build you as a couple.

No matter the length of your relationship, every stage of friendship, family, or romantic relationship can benefit. Especially after the pandemic, we are feeling more social and ready to connect with others. There is no better way to communicate with them than the "How do you know me" questions. The mood can depend on you or your partner, but it is best to go with the flow and see how the conversation begins to take place.!

How do I have a deeper experience with How Well Do You Know Me Questions?

The reasoning behind our questions is to be more transparent with your person or the people you care the most about. It can be hard to be vulnerable with people, especially if the relationship has been based solely on banter and jokes. Using this tool can be helpful as it gives a bit more context and gets down to the answers you would genuinely like to know.

  • Ask the questions without any edits. When you ask the questions exactly as we have on our website, you can make it more fun with a game-show feel. For example, "Jimothy, if you can answer this question right, you and the love of your life are going to get your favorite take-out restaurant. If you lose, the love of your life will take you on a date to Goodwill and style you in their choice of clothing." It is important to be lighthearted; this is not the inquisition.
  • Talk it out. Instead of asking the question and waiting for their response, you both state your answers and see how similar you were with your partner or friend. No one feels awkward if it is one-sided, and you can use it as a tip for starting some great conversations.  
  • Put on the moves! Make the How Well Do You Know Me questions into a whole experience by taking your love to a special date like a picnic. You can have turns answering questions or go one after the other. After you are done with answering the questions, write a love letter to your partner about how thankful you were about the time you shared because you were able to learn more about them. Gratitude is a beautiful way to have a positive relationship. Read our Five-Minute Gratitude Journal for more tips on expressing thankfulness and how it can impact your relationships in the best way.
  • Journal your answers and at the end, and compare answers. Journaling is an excellent tool to compare answers. It can become an experiment by journaling the questions each month and seeing how they change or have more extended time intervals to see the benefits of the questions. Journaling after answering the questions can allow you to express yourself in a non-judgemental way without hurting your partner.
  • Pick One Question A Day. Make it a nightly ritual right before you are about to go to bed by asking your loved one a question, or during dinner, you are only allotted one of the questions to ask and have a conversation about it with no distractions. Write the questions on popsicle sticks and put them in a jar so that you can conveniently pick one at a time.
  • Nobody wants to date themselves. Remember that if you have individual differences, that doesn't mean your relationship or friendship will fail. Differences help us grow and become better.
  • If you talk over your partner or they talk over you, it isn't intimacy; it is just a one-person show. We understand that it can be tempting because the answer is right on their tongue, and you want to help them or instantly correct them if they are wrong, but that doesn't help build a relationship. If you constantly correct or they always correct you, it will provide a negative response to being transparent and vulnerable.
  • It's ok if you do not know all the facts. There will be one or many questions that might stump you or your partner, and that is ok! The whole point of our exercise is to create a deeper level of connection with one another. It is meant to be a fun experience where you can admit in a safe place if you are wrong or if they might miss a question or two.
  • They have an exciting answer. Dig a little deeper. We recommend asking follow-up questions like "why would you prefer to have gills versus fins?" or "What made you love your movie?" It creates a deeper understanding, and the more cognition you have about the answer, the more likely you will remember it in the future.
  • Spice it up! We do not have all the questions you have ever wanted to ask, but we welcome you to try new questions like these:
    • What is my favorite historical period?
    • What would I rather: travel the world with all the money in the world for five years or 1 million dollars each year but I have to stay in our home country?
    • If I could live in any fantasy world, which one would I pick and why?
    • What superpower would I like to have?
    • What is my favorite plant?

Tips to help your relationship 

We understand, relationships can be tricky, and when you think you know someone like the back of your hand, some of their answers might surprise you. We have compiled a list of aids to help you and your partner make the most of your experience.  

Turn off all devices.

Our world will ping, buzz, and ring to notify us of the latest trends, comments, and anything else. We recommend turning off your phone, placing it on do not disturb, and spend quality with your partner. There is nothing more frustrating than your partner not listening to what you have to say on vulnerable topics. If this seems like a difficult task, we recommend our article, the #1 Antidote to Social Media and Internet Addiction.

Honesty and Empathy are the Best Policy

There might be differences in your upbringing that you were not aware of, which is one reason why your responses could differ from the other. There is no perfect partner for anyone, but love is a joyful commitment to choose that person every day despite the differences you share. If we are honest, we all would be bored or want to scream if we dated someone exactly like us. In the How To Get To Know You Questions, it is necessary not to get defensive while your partner or friend when they share their experience of how they view the relationship.

Use "I feel" statements if someone begins to feel defensive.

Communicating well with your partner is critical for these exercises. If you begin to feel defensive or they become defensive, we recommend using "I feel" statements. It is less accusatory, and you can communicate more positively. 

If the "I feel" statements do not work, please be on the lookout for signs like gaslighting. Gaslighting is psychological manipulation to make you believe that you are less worthy than you actually are. There are a few signs of gaslighting but check out our full blog to understand more. 

More often than not, your partner will welcome this experience because all you want to do is get to know them more, and everyone wants to be understood.

 

About Emily Ruiz, MA

Emily Ruiz is a contributor of JournalOwl with a passion for spreading mental health awareness. She believes that mental health topics are instrumental in creating change. She enjoys writing about PTSD, anxiety, depression, and other arrays of topics by adding an emotional feel to her writing.

Before joining the JournalOwl team, Emily received her Masters in Communication with a focus in healthcare advocacy at East Carolina University in North Carolina. She has assisted organizations teaching social skills to children who are autistic and ADHD and teaching mindfulness to teenagers with BPD and who are high-risk self-harm and suicide. Emily created a training module for a non-profit equestrian therapy, Difference instead of Disability, for her independent study during her master’s program.

Emily and her husband are North Carolina natives who enjoy traveling, exploring, and general shenanigans with one another. They foster and rescue animals in their free time. She enjoys riding horses, theatre, and reading.

Health Disclaimer

JournalOwl is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, medication, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptoms or conditions. JournalOwl is not authorized to make recommendations about medication or serve as a substitute for professional advice. You should never disregard professional psychological or medical advice, or delay in seeking treatment, based on anything you read on JournalOwl’s website or platform.

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